November 19, 2012 at 5:26 pm
Maybe I just have a wounded soul, but I just don’t believe in those relationships where one person says that the other is “perfect for me.” I roll my eyes at comments like those of Michael Taylor quoted in the article. I know that people feel that way, but that doesn’t mean that the relationship is on solid ground.
Thinking the other is a perfect match for you and that you are both fused together seamlessly into one true whole? That’s just living an illusion. It can last for a very long time, but at some point you both have to face the fact that you’re human and that no one actually completes anyone else. In a whole lot of cases, one of the two spouses feels that fusing while the other doesn’t, or one wants it and the other doesn’t.
The unrealistic fairy tale illusions about married love are some of the same delusional thinking that also drives affairs. The third person can become idealized just like any “lived happily ever after” mate. The person on the side maybe looks like your “soulmate” or “the one who really gets me,” when that’s an illusion as well. In some affairs, people turn away from a spouse because the spouse doesn’t meet the warped ideal of perfection and then turn to someone who on the surface seems to be perfect but really isn’t perfect either. Meanwhile, looking for the perfect person is a fundamental problem in the first place.
There is no Prince Charming, neither inside your marriage nor outside.
Michael Taylor says:
November 19, 2012 at 7:33 pm
@wellokaythen, I truly empathized with your comment and felt compelled to reply. Like yourself I used to believe that people who claimed to have “perfect” relationships were full of it. A lot of it had to do with some bitterness as a result of a divorce and a lot of it had to do with my own inability to have that type of experience.
After being single for approximately five years I decided that I really did want to remarry and I made a commitment to understanding what it was about me that was causing my relationships to fail. As a result of going on my own inner journey, I discovered all of my “issues” that were keeping me from truly connecting with women.
Fifteen years after my divorce and after some intense emotional and psychological cleansing. I was ready to make the commitment of marriage. Fortunately for me I knew exactly what I was looking for in a woman and I found a woman with the same qualities and values that I cherish and we’ve been happily married for more than 10 years.
Which brings me to this specific point: it is absolutely possible for two people to create a relationship in which two people recognize that they are perfect for each other. This does not mean that it is some sort of “New Age Soul Mate” relationship in which two people are fused together (your words), it simply means that two people come together with the same respect, qualities and values and they commit to being there for each other.
The fact is, relationships are challenging, frustrating, messy and at times extremely difficult, at the same time relationships can and should be loving, fulfilling, caring and connected. When I mentioned that my relationship is perfect in it’s imperfections this is what I meant. There are always going to be challenges in relationships but if you find two people who are absolutely committed to the same thing in relationships they can be the source of infinite joy.
The key is to first and foremost develop a relationship with yourself and feel complete and whole and then find that special someone to share your completeness with. If you do this there will never be a need to go outside of the relationship for sex or anything else.
Don’t give up on love! It’s available to you if you will open your mind and heart to it. Good Luck!
Emphasis above is mine.
Amen. Many people are “wounded souls” and don’t want to go through the challenging, yet ultimately fulfilling, process of therapy. It’s easier to find a shortcut to happiness, to believe that a romantic/sexual relationship is the shortcut to/replacement of healing (a continuous process). That’s the false illusion, not the romantic/sexual partner. We all have to be at a certain point of health to choose the right partner for us and be in a satisfying long-term relationship without destroying it.